“Fear used to control me. Paralyze me. Once in high school my teacher docked me a whole letter grade for how much I shook during a speech I gave. For whatever reason, this wasn’t the case when I got on stage acting. Acting like someone else was no problem. Letting people see the real me was terrifying. I joined a drama ministry that traveled the states in teams, going into different churches doing skit drama.
About a year after joining I received a prophecy. She said that she could see a stronghold in my spirit. It was like a huge ball that had attached itself into every area of my life. Over the year that I was travelling she said that God had been using my experiences to detach all the roots of this stronghold. The entire stronghold was still there, but the power over me was minimal. It was still just as big and FELT just as paralyzing, but it was now just holding on my a thread, and God was going to loose that one thread and set me free. In hind sight this stronghold was fear.
The next tour I was asked to train to be a leader. NO WAY! They wanted me to start by leading our team for a day. I hid in the bathroom and cried until the actual leader just took over because ministry needed to be done. I REFUSED to be step up because I felt I didn’t had anything to offer. I didn’t want to be judged for poor decisions. I thought my refusal had gotten me off the hook. I didn’t think they would make me lead again after that. I was wrong…they were going to have me lead for three days next, but they decided to skip straight to me leading for a whole week. The night before I was supposed to take over I cried, resisted, begged and pleaded not to be given this responsibility. I knew that I “couldn’t” do it. “I can’t” was basically my fear-driven motto.
The next morning I woke up and…led. I led the team. I did what needed to be done. That was more than 18 years ago. “I can’t” is no longer in my vocabulary. “Dear God, help me,” is definitely there, but “I can’t” is gone. That morning changed my life. I know that stronghold was removed in the moment that I made my first decision and my fear paralysis was gone. Of course God has changed my life in other ways, but this experience was by far the most memorable.”