“While I was listening to Brenda Gatlin teach a recent Power healing class, she spoke about kinds of sicknesses we might have and how to reach healing. As she named them, I gasped, I realized I had a sickness of emotion as a result of being sinned against.
The sins against me from my past go all the way back to my childhood. I was bullied as a child, at home and in school. It became a way of life for me. I began to think this was what I deserved. I was a loser; So why would people be nice to me? This affected my adolescence and young adult life. I had anxiety, sadness, I lacked confidence. I felt unworthy of love, I was a failure in my eyes.
I learned to wear a mask when people were around. I didn’t let my secret out. But if I failed at even the smallest things it would devastate me. The tears would start and last for days. The enemy had studied me for years and knew just what buttons to push, to steal my joy.
Then I started to get prayer here at the Vineyard. I had never even thought of having someone pray for me. I just felt I was a sad case and that was my life.
God started peeling back the layers of the pain of my past. Every time I got prayer, even if it was for something like a headache, God would show up and tell me how much he loved me and how he could see me and he could see what I do.
This healing didn’t take place overnight. I’d say it was a good year. I did Gospel of wholeness. I started with a spiritual director. I went on a silent retreat. I joined a small group. God kept pushing in, peeling back the layers, and healing me.
Then I went to a retreat with the staff and got to do some soul care appointments. Each one I went to, I came out a blubbering mess. I was so sick of crying. I went for an Emanuel Prayer session and during it, God told me to go and Be Still with him. So, I went for a walk and found a rock in the sun and I sat and let the sun beat on my face, I was silent. I was waiting for God. I think I was there for about an hour before I left.
As I started to walk back and I saw a couple friends and they asked me what God had been up to. I told them I was so sick of crying, that God had been pulling all these old hurtful memories out. They started pressing in, asking questions. I’ll never forget them asking me, if Jesus was standing right here in front of you what would he think of you. I said I thought he would be disappointed, and she said that is a lie from the pit of hell. Then they Prayed for me and I was delivered from the hold the enemy had on me. I cried an ugly cry from the gut and then I was done. I got my joy back.
I can now recognize the signs when the enemy is pushing on my buttons and I go for prayer. What I can say for sure, is you don’t have to live in the sadness and the lies the enemy tells us. That’s not Gods Heart for us. I am so grateful for the Vineyard and the people who loved me through my past and always pointed me to Jesus.”